Of Eminem and the mamasan

So thorughout the Critical and Appeciation paper a song got stuck in my head and wouldn't budge, no matter how I tried to concentrate on "Baby Song" and "Woman to Child". They were just promptly replaced by "Shake that Ass", with a particularly vulgar line punctuating every end of a stanza. "Blah blah blah fucked up..." So much for the appreciation part. But gee, I have to thank Eminem for helping me tide thorugh a truly fucked up paper.

Mamasan was at it again today, and like 3 days before that. I wasn't allowed to get out of the house when i had already, read already finished my major papers, leaving PC, (which was, needless to say, full of the 'f' consonant).

"One day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday". That is the hope I'm clinging to right now.

And did I tell you I'm feeling really drained right now because of what I did to you? I just snapped. My thought just whirled around me like a mass of nonsensical objects, and my hand did what it did without thinking. I'm sorry. I miss you. I love you.

In suspension

Catherine General of the Army of Narnia

'What" will your business card say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

faith Destined for a Pauper’s Grave

'What" will your business card say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

Cate ~ will teach you to ~ Groove

'What" will your business card say?' at QuizGalaxy.com

stop...and run away again

Wakeful Slumber

Moonshine around a misty halo, Clearly cut-out shadows falling At my weary feet. The azure light of white and Turquoise blue Invades, infilitrates and is Welcomed by arms wide Outstretched, heart shut and Bolted fast. To implore, to beseech the Tempters of the Night not To cast disturbing ripples I would not, Lest they do so evadingly approach. Only close my mind, pry open a Waning heart In a half-heart full of Supplication and forlorn Dreams I do sleep.

(penned on 7 March 2006, another crappy publication of nestle kitcate)


I need strength now. I have lost motivation in whatever I'm supposed to do. I am so myopic, I can't see beyond today. Everything's one big blurry mass, and I can't see where I'm going. I need you as my light, my compass.

My life has always gone well. I'm scared. What if my mental condition deteriorates? Or what I realise that everything I know is part of an imaginary world, so complex, yet deceivingly tangible? It's not about e^ix- cos x+i sin x. No. Hell no it isn't that simple. If I could put my life into an equation, it would be LiFe= lithium + iron.

If i could have 3 wishes...
1) that you'll love me forever
2) that I'll be the most beautiful girl
3) that all my wishes come true

I told you so.

I am the orange girl

So. Now you have looked me full in the face. Yet I don't dare to.

I am ugly. To the woman I call "mother", I am incredulously ugly. How would you feel if the one who is supposed to see you as beautiful sees otherwise? Every blemish I have is magnified ten times over, but the deep gash it makes upon my heart is much more, much more than I can bear.

But why me, Mother? (I can't bring myself to call you 'mummy') I grew darker in the sun, you were extremely displeased and said I was dark and hideous. I had 3 small pimples on my chin, you took the chance to bring me under fire. I had been sick for a week, having the worse flu, yet you didn't bother to have me see the doctor. I coughed on, but you couldn't care less. As long as my face was blemish-free, you couldn't care if I died right there, do you?

I have T-minor. will that give you enough reason to disown me too? You pushed me to my limit, but you knew when to do it. A child has no sensitivity towards unspoken limits, but now I know. All those beatings and scoldings when I refused to play the piano in front of your guests, the absence of encouragement when I emerged 4th in my nursery class, the hypocrisy spewing out when I got my straight As for my major exams.

Go ahead. Take, drain, exhaust, rob, deprive. I don't care what you do.

I just want to be a snug little kitten, cuddling comfort in my arms, dreaming sweet little dreams of yesterday. And hopefully of tomorrow if I live to see it.

Cages

Still lying in the midnight shadow
While the dark-winged butterfly tears its
Wings
To be regenerated and
Thrown
Into some Fire
Of sulphurous hell

Still sitting under the bright shade
Casting no shadow
Glances turn me into cinders
The ash flies
Becoming smaller, then no more
No more.

I smell the scent of grass
Of freedom beyond
I reach, and catch
A breath of air
Only a vapour

Then the sweetness of
Nothingness
Nullity
Wraps me in its finite twine

How I thirst the breaking
Of the bars
Of my bone, flesh, veins

The cage opens
Creaking ever so slowly

But I breathe no longer.

The First Page from the Last

Now guess: orange girl or blue girl?

In case you haven't been duly informed, (because you're not an acquaintance of mine or whatever reason), my diary-x blog has massive drive failure, so here I am at blogspot.

Here's a smattering of clues:
*i'm in my late adolescent years
*an extremely disgruntled student in a 'premier' junior college (we have to be politically correct)
*fencer
*ex drama actress
*part-time model
*ex-cheerleader
*great-granddaughter of a geisha
*i'm what you woul classify under "The Perfect Angel Species". BUT I would be doing people out there a great injustice if they didn't see this: WARNING. A secret member of the female canine species

Now don't say I didn't warn you.