then the failry tale moves on, and i drop from within the pages

Happy birthday to me tomorrow. I'll be 18, legal, and still not getting any freedom. Goodbye sweet 17, I won't miss you. The only thing i'll miss about you is the digit itself.

On another note, I have decided to be a potential bone marrow donor on the bone marrow donor program's database. Even a small pin prick scares me, and it's making me confused. It's not like I have an obligation to, but it's just that when you've lost 2 people to leukaemia, you want to help. Help to save those tears, the pain, and the regrets. My teacher and one of my closest friends lost the battle within a space of 3 years. So here I am, trying to prevent further loss. And because I haven't gotten rid of my guilt for taking them for granted.

I'm sorry. For all those times you were deluded I was your best student by sheer hard work, for all those times you said you were proud of me but I never took notice because I found it pointless to believe you. I'm sorry I was too afraid, and too conscious of what I would have to say if I visited you in hospital. Sorry that I cried too much at your wake, and I never attended your funeral because Mother and dad didn't allow me to. And sorry, because the tears I shed were more of regret and shame than of sadness and grief. Sorry, lao shi.

And sorry to Josh, I've never lived out your last wish for me. I wish I could, but it's just that when things get out of control I can't seem to snap back in reality, and I scream and shout at him almost everyday. Mother and dad are getting quite impossible nowadays too, and sometimes I can't help but wish they'd all go away and leave me be. I've taken all I've could, given and bled my guts out, and I'm tired. Sorry, sometimes you just can't pretend you've had an overdose of happy potion and that everything'll be alright. I can't do it. And you know it. You've seen how I've changed. From a bad-tempered swearing idiot to a more refined specimen. And now I'm back to square one. I just don't know anything. I don't want to know. And I guess I want to care, but really, all this is too much to bear. I just need him to be here for me, and not for him to hang up or walk away whenever I need him. Just 1 wish from you, that you'll make things the way you wanted them to be. And I guess I've never told you how great a buddy you are.

I've never belived in fairy godmothers and the magic they do. Yet I found my real-life fairy godmother. She couldn't be here yesterday, but all they could do was smile sympathetically, motioning that she was no more. I felt my anger burn, and my eyes were painful from the tears welling up. I wish she could save me from all of you. And I continue to wish so.

So, hello 18. Hello booze.